What are your thoughts?
Have you ever wondered how often we take for granted that children “understand” what we are teaching; how do you know? Let’s begin with a little lesson below…
(May this bring a smile to your face and a good laugh too)
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written: “The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell”
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him..
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
A doctor from Israel says:”In Israel, the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man´s testicles, we put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.”
The German doctor comments: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person´s head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
A Russian doctor says: That’s nothing either. In Russia , we take out half of the heart from a person, we put it into another person´s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.
The US doctor answers immediately: That´s nothing colleagues, you are way behind us …. In the USA , about a year ago, we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls. We made him President and now… The whole country is looking for work!!!!!
Most people think it improper to spank children these days and I agree. I have tried several other methods to control my kids when they have one of ‘those moments.’
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
I hear this works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have
to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . . you started it.”
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
… And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
lol, I’m sure Ballmer realized it long before the bid was made. The intent wasn’t “what is Yahoo! worth” but “how much easier could it be to take down Google if we had Yahoo!?” in Microsoft’s eyes. (by the way, the words in quotes are my personal thoughts and not quotes from anyone else but me!)
Funny to ask at a Microsoft event how many use Yahoo! search though. We are usually all technical which means we put search engines through their paces. Meaning Yahoo! is not really used by the technical community. For that matter how many of you think you can get the same resultant sets of searches out of Microsoft’s Live! Search or Ask.com as you do out of Google?
See the basis of my rant today here!